ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE Rob Reuter Editor, The American Jerk St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely poofaced. Leg 1: 7a.m. to 9a.m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 5 p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other contagions, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find them in an impaired condition. (We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up): 1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram inject sulfate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 recharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9oz. Jameson Irish whiskey and drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state, when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf. Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar, if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best, since 'Boston' in Gaelic means 'West Kilarney'. However, almost every city in America has bars called 'The Blarney Stone', 'McSomethings', or 'The Dirty Mick' (Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans). Secure a barstool, and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks-- no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level; however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glbutt mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Shamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet. Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, and don't eat-- he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St.Patrick's Day besides "I'm pregnant": "You're cut off". By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring. Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. By now, the bar is definitely crowded, as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more pbuttionate about it than you are about your wife or husband. . ..AND The English are all pee-arsed, pig-f***ing bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular. The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals rest, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Where and How to Dig for Gold LOLHi, All: Thought this would be interesting...from today's local...almost sounds like Darkfalz wrote it! As for the punchline...you have to click the link and read to the end! EXCERPTS And she doesn't... Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St.Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. Tune in next month for our next self-help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster and a quiz. . . How Irish are you? Test your I.Q. (Irish Quotient) 1. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? 2. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? 3. Where does green beer come from? 4. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? 5. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 6. What's Irish and stays out all night? 7. How did the Irish Jig get started? 8. Why do leprechauns have pots o' gold? 9. What's an Irish windbreaker? 10. On St. Patrick's Day, while people are searching for tiny, little, leprechauns, what are the leprechauns searching for? ANSWERS 1. He couldn't afford plane fare. 2. Real rocks would look funny. 3. Who cares? As long as it keeps coming! 4. He's Dublin over with laughter. 5. They're always a little short. 6. Patty O'Furniture! 7. Lots of beer and too few restrooms! 8. They like to "go" first clbutt. 9. Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage! 10. Tiny, little women! Give yourself a point for each right answer, put an "O'" in front of your name and have a terrific St. Pat's Day! Because I care, (MSN chat available) (Please quote with "gapope wrote...") -=- In essentials, unity; In non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity. -- Baxter quoting Augustine -=- PS This post specially encoded for verification purposes -- . .
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