Blue State Coastal Parents Battle Invasion of Dollywood

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Coastal Parents Battle Invasion of Dollywood

Iowahawk has an exclusive report on a phenomenon sweeping the Blue States, as the new generation finds new ways to rebel: Blue State Blues as Coastal Parents Battle Invasion of Dollywood Values.

Throughout coastal America, school adminstrators and parents are reporting an alarming surge in �Cracker� cliques on campus. Also known as �Y�alls� or �Neckies,� officials say the groups thrive by attracting outcasts and misfits from the student body.

�We try hard to engage all of our students in fun, healthy activities like Progressive Eco-Action March and Rage Against Intolerance Week,� says Lawrence DiBenedetto of Patrice Lumumba Magnet School in Cambridge, Mbuttachusetts. �Unfortunately, there are going to be those who fall through the cracks, into a life of bbutt fishing and stockcar racing.�

It appears those cracks are widening. In one recent three-week period, fourteen high school students in Portland, Oregon were suspended for distributing pork rinds; a Burlington, Vermont high school was briefly closed for decontamination after janitors found a bible hidden in a restroom; and forty-six undergraduate coeds at Swarthmore were expelled for staging clandestine Mary Kay cosmetics parties.

�We became suspicious after several heavily made-up students arrived at a Katha Pollitt lecture in pink Cadillacs,� says Swarthmore Dean of Students Geraldine Marcus.

Some say the craze threatens even the nation�s most exclusive prep schools. At Exeter, Andover and St. Albans, rumors abound of secret societies where initiates are steeped in the black arts of restrictor plate cheating and satellite descramblers. Washington�s elite Sidwell Friends School was nearly forced to close after scandalized parents learned that several students were openly touting Sams Club cards.

posted by Charles at 1:15 PM PST rss