New York - festering manure pile temporarily saved from collapse by a GOP mayor. Has its own income tax, apparently to fund mbuttive public filth program. Residents are arrogant twits - and what exactly they're arrogant about, one can only guess - living in 600-sq. ft, $400,000 rat-and-roach-infested row houses. Vaunted "Silicon Alley" still trying to get 28.8 modems. Chicago - Calcutta of the Arctic, run by inbred mobsters. Former hog butcher to the world, but apparently the pigs got the upper hand. Still trying to figure out the mystery of pavement. Akron on steroids. Los Angeles - Slow motion riot by a clueless pack of three million semi-literates. Sort of like Rwanda, if Rwanda had freeways and inferior schools. The only place on earth where Courtney Love can find employment and OJ Simpson can find an acquittal. Miami - Provisional capital of Guatemala. Major industries include contraband, Social Security fraud and killing Swedish tourists. Air is 98% humidity, 2% airborne venereal disease. Elephant graveyard for whiney, track-suited Jewish octogenarians from New York. Philadelphia - Combines the quaint charm of East St. Louis with the vibrant culture of Youngstown, Ohio. Works hard to earn its reputation as 'Gateway to Camden.' Not surprisingly, most of its sentient residents escaped years ago. Detroit - A gigantic squalid amusement park for arsonists, resembling a neutron plant test site; Hiroshima 1945 meets Luanda, Uganda. Used to make automobiles, but now has to import crack vials. Hell is preferable, since hell doesn't have lake-effect snow. Seattle - Dank, suicidal outpost, whose grungy residents spend more on a cup of coffee than they do on annual personal hygiene. Attractions include the Space Needle - a 600 foot tall monument to injection addiction - and Pike St. Market, a giant celebration of fish rot. Boeing and Microsoft keep a safe distance owing to cooties. Boston - home to over 60 colleges and nearly 100 mentally competent residents. First settled by Puritans, then by Irish immigrants too drunk, stupid and lazy to move west. Home of the "Big Dig," a perpetual uncontrolled tire fire of $50 bills. San Francisco - Earthquake-prone R&D lab for the perversion industry. Half of San Franciscans are employed in software and the other half in hospital emergency rooms, where they dislodge foreign objects. Mayoral elections prove that the hippies did get at the water supply. Washington DC - Port-Au-Prince on the Potomac. L'Enfant had the foresight to plan radial streets to aid rapid, ongoing evacuation. Unique among the capital cities of western Democracies, in that a good chickenfight can always be found. Baltimore MD - "Baltimorgue," run by Martin O'Malley (D) who renounced his Irish heritage and has alternately become black (on even days) and Hispanic (on odd days). Became indignant as one would expect from a leftist that no blacks were selected for the latest firefighting clbutt. Often seen wearing a sombrero and recruiting illegal invaders whom he calls "undocumented workers." His eyes are on the governor's office, and to that end he supports a ball team in DC and to the detriment of the Baltimore team to get the votes from the DC suburbs. Of course, he has done nothing about B'Mo's social problems of crime, STD, and end drug rests, all of which are always among the highest in the nation per capita. Said Bush was as bad as Osama.
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